Let me preface this blog entry with the following: For those of you who know both M and me, this is not meant for anyone to take sides. I just need to vent and figured I'd use this blog as an outlet to do so.
M and I have a strict policy (or so I thought) of no candy or chocolate for the kids. That's why when big sister K asked for chocolate during the car ride home from school yesterday, I automatically said no. Then we got home and big sister K asked M for the same thing. His response: "okay, you can have a small piece after dinner." Imagine my surprise and dismay! M told me he had promised big sister K some chocolate that morning, so I couldn't say no. I got so upset I couldn't even eat dinner last night (I still haven't regained my appetite and I haven't spoken to M since). It's not even the issue of giving our daughter a sweet (I'm not happy about it, but I wouldn't be opposed to it if he had given me some advanced notice). It's the fact that we weren't aligned in our parental disciplining, and what's more disconcerting is that this isn't the first time it's happened. There have been other occasions where big sister K wanted to watch TV when it was past her bedtime. I'd say no, big sister K would go ahead and ask daddy, and the next thing you know, she's plopped in front of the family room TV, eyes glued to an episode of the Fresh Beat Band. Then there was another time when she misbehaved and asked for a sticker. I told her no, she'd ask M, and she gets a sticker. Very frustrating indeed.
Our daughter is very much a mama's girl and would often times prefer to do things with me. It's natural for the other parent to feel left out; that's why I can't help but feel like M does this intentionally (even if it's at the subconscious level) so that he would be viewed as the "good guy" whereas mommy is the mean one. I don't want big sister K to think that she can always go to daddy when mommy says no to something (even though she's already doing this), and I've mentioned this to M when it's happened in the past, but he's always brushed it off.
I welcome any feedback on this topic. Am I overreacting?
4 comments:
I think being on the same page with disciple and reward is very very important in raising kids. That being said there will be times when opinions are different. If kids learn they can get different answers from different parents nothing good comes of that for anyone. The kids stop asking after time when they know everyone is on the same page. On the rare cases where something was promised or one parent does not know the whole story we go to the other parent and have that conversation in front of the child so they know we are still together on it. The candy example is a perfect one. If something was promised one parent should go to the other and explain that I know you said no, but you did not know I had said this so if it is ok with you I want to do this. The other should agree so you the child sees you are still on the same page.
Everyone tries to do this and no one can get it right 100% of the time, so this will of course not be the last time this happens. But you also should not let it effect you to the point of not eating and ruining your day. Sounds like it has been an over time thing and a lack of listening and understanding.
I would first find out if you are both on the same page about both being on the same page with things. Hopefully that is the case, and from there forget and forgive all time in the past where this happened (women can sometimes have an issue with this, but you really have to do it). In the future have a keyword or something like "Lets get on the same page" or something that you both can use as a clue that it might be more important to stand together as a team then to be right. You can talk about if the thing you did together was right later, but in front of the kids you should try an agree. You can then talk about it and next time you try something different. So with the candy you can discuss it later and see if you are both still committed to no candy. If so then next time it won't be promised so it won't be an issue in the future. Or with TV and bedtimes it can be decided that in the cases where you think staying up later is ok, the option will be to stay in bed with a book rather then more TV.
In summary if you are still reading.
1) Yes get on same page
2) Don't be upset, parenting is hard enough. Talk about it and forgive (right now for the forgive part not later, why let that bitterness in).
Just my thoughts.
Take care
Sorry to hear.
I'm not a parent so I don't have good advice.
But I know kids do divide and conquer and I feel bad to hear of your frustration.
Maybe next time M can ask K if she asked Mommy yet or say "Let me think about it for a few minutes" and then go check with you (and get on the same page) before giving his answer. Gives her a chance to learn delayed gratification too I guess.
Parenting is hard -- I don't know how you guys manage but I know you are both doing the best you can (and doing a great job!) so don't be too hard on yourselves!
Take a deep breath, get synch up w/ M on your strategies and then head back to "battle" -- you will not be outsmarted by the little ones! :) Good luck.
Thanks for the feedback. All's well for the time being, but big sister K still asks daddy for something if she doesn't like my answer. Classic example today: we got home from school and I'm busy holding baby M and putting things away while M is cooking:
Big sister K: Mommy, can I watch TV?
Me: You have to wait.
Big sister K: Daddy, can I watch TV?
Me: K, I just told you to wait.
Big sister K: But mommy, I'm asking daddy.
Me: sigh...
It will take a while, but over time as you are consistant with your answers being the same it will stop.
Hang in there. Everytime it happens just think I am one step closer to her ending the test.
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